Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
