Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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