someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
