Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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