I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
