At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
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