this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
