I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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