I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
