My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
