Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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