Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
