I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
