Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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