My friends, they love my intelligence
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
