i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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