Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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