Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
