God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Please don't give away my fajitas
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