I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
