4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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