While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
Randomize