I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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