Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
