it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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