when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
