I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
