My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
