I think my fart just growled at me.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
As shirtless as possible
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
