i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
