Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
