Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
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