I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
