I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Sorry about my life...
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
