I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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