did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
