There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I need a beard to bite.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
