im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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