why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
