some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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