I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
