I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
