Yo dont text me then not text me
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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