I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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