How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
