Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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