apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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