well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
