Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
if only i could text you this smell
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
