Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
