So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
