Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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