hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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