youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
