Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
