If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
