im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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