Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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