I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
