i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize