happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize