I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize