I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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