I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize